Have you ever felt disconnected? Like the whole world is moving around you while you’re standing completely still? It’s almost like the scene of a movie where time seems to be suspended and even though you try with all your might, you’re paralyzed.
All of us feel this way from time to time and it’s okay. The summer has delivered on my plan to get some rest and relaxation. Yet, it has also presented some undesirable reminders of how fleeting life is and left me feeling a bit disconnected. While I celebrated my 45thBirthday, a family member was receiving hospice care. My 4thof July began with a family breakfast and a small town parade. However by the time Independence Day had ended, my relative had taken his last breath.
Last week I attended his funeral service that was a beautiful celebration of his life. The days ahead will offer times of remembrance, grief, and healing. Those days offer joy and pain, smiles and tears, and connection and isolation.
It feels a lot like my fertility journey: remembrance, grief, and healing. I am blessed beyond measure to see my 45thBirthday. Yet, I still have no solution to how this family is going to grow. I look back at my wedding photos and remember how I thought all of this was going to go. We would make our house a home, have a couple of babies, and live happily ever after. Everyone affected by infertility can remember the moment when they woke up from their dreams and realized that the dream demanded to be altered and more effort was required for it to become a reality.
I’ve experienced grief not only in stages but also in loops. The anger comes and goes as does the bargaining and acceptance and that is okay. I have learned to love myself in the manner I would love a friend. I would never say to a friend that ‘you should be done with that loss’ or ‘you should be over that by now’. So, that is what I tell myself and I allow myself to feel how I feel.
With that approach, I do my best to foster the healing I need. I will not rush the process but I am also completely honest with myself. I recognize that if my feelings are left to run the show indefinitely, they will leave me in a place of desolation where hope cannot survive. I give place to my hurting heart and I take it to the place of help and restoration. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2 NIV
My relationship with God is that place where I find the refreshing comfort that I need. Even when life and its challenges try to separate us, God remains connected to me. He is a loving Father to all that seek Him. This doesn’t make me a Super Saint; it makes me His child. I am reminded of His never-ending love for me as I spend time with Him. I remember the very promises that hurt and disappointment try to make me forget.
Life offers joy and pain, be patient as you walk through it. But, please, go THROUGH it! You may find that moving through these seasons are too difficult to handle alone, get the help and support you need. Spiritual guidance can be found in the Word of God and in others who can walk along aside of you through prayer and support. They can help you find that rock that is a safe place to land while you regain the strength you need to continue your journey. Rest, reconnect, and journey on.
HOPE-Filled Thought: The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
Prayer: Thank you Lord that you love me as a loving Father. Even when life is hard, you promise to never leave or forsake me. Help me to find rest in you and to take you at your Word. I receive this promise with joy and it is so. Amen
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