I know I’m not the first person to ask, “How did I get here?” But sometimes I wonder this very thing. As a young lady, I always envisioned my future and my family.
I would imagine what my very first apartment would look like and what it would be like to be all grown up. My parents constantly reminded me that they were in charge and that I was in their home. So, it seemed so exciting to think of a place where I could call the shots and be the boss!
I used to wish that I could teleport myself 18 year old self ten years into my future. I distinctly remember my plan to look around my home for evidence of what my future would look like. I reasoned that as much as I liked displaying pictures, I would have a picture of my wedding day in a prominent place. In the future, I would find the fireplace mantle and I would see my future husband and I in our wedding best. What can I say? I loved the Back to the Future Trilogy…
In the present day, I just shake my head about how silly that was. If by some chance my wish was granted, ten years into my future would not have yielded the results that I imagined. While I would have been able to check out my bachelorette pad, I would not have found that wedding day photo. It’s not that I didn’t get married; it’s just that it had not happened yet.
My 18 year-old self naively assumed that my Prince Charming would have found me by the time I turned 28. I actually assumed a lot of things. We had to have met, dated, gotten engaged and married, and found a place to live (with a fireplace) in order for all of this to work.
I didn’t take any of these details into consideration. In my mind they warranted no thought at all. I just focused on the next phase. Maybe I was anticipating what seemed to be a more desirable time in my life or imagining when another phase in my life could begin. Perhaps I just wanted things to change.
In the next phase, I never even thought about how I would grow my future family. The fantasy always hinged on seeing who my husband would be. I think it was an assumption that everything would take its natural course from the moment we had our first kiss. Infertility was never a part of the plan! How did I get here?
Just this week I found myself mourning the fertile years that feel like they have slipped right through my hands. I felt like time had been wasted and I have nothing to show for it. I mourned for the thirty something LeAndrea who did not experience what she thought she should have. While my journey isn’t over, my 30s are and there is no chance for a do-over. At times I am okay with that reality and at other times I am not. And that is okay.
All of these years later, time and experience have written our story. I met my husband at 29 years old. His first call to me was to wish me a happy 30thbirthday. I didn’t get that photo to place on my fireplace mantle until I was 31 and the picture sits on the piano. That detail is not like what I imagined just like our family.
I am glad that some things didn’t work out like I imagined and even more glad that there is more for me to experience. I still long for change and when I say that I don’t know how my fertility story is going to write itself, I am being completely honest! I really don’t know!
All of the details of my future aren’t revealed right now. As much as I would like to fast forward this part of the journey, I have to patiently care for myself, wait and see just what the future holds, and hold onto hope.
HOPE-Filled Thought: Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24 NIV
Prayer: Thank You Lord that even beyond what we can imagine you are working things out for our good and for your glory. Give us the wisdom to see things as you do and the confident assurance to trust you when we can’t see anything at all. We receive it with joy and it is so. Amen.
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